The ones who do great things are the ones who keep going at the point where others give up.

Those who read my blog regularly know that I definitely haven't given up on Redding and Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. Sidetracked, yes. Having my own flaws get in the way, one being this constant struggle I've had with fear, yes.

And people might even tell me "you need to put this desire at the cross" and kill it. Well I've done that how many times and God has given it back to me how many times? I think God is tired of me killing it at this point.

I left Redding, not with the intention of giving up. I knew that I had to go back at some point. The intention was to re-evaluate, find work, connect with people, and then be sent back out.

Now most people probably would have given up at the point I was at. I'm sure in my family, and among many other people, if they had gotten to the point I had gotten to in Redding, they would say "Forget this" and "Why put myself through this when I've got a comfortable place to stay where I can always go back to?" But the fact is, that comfortable place to stay is a comfort zone we need to get out of, and though we might think it'll always be there forever, it won't.

The people who do great things are the ones who step out of their comfort zone.

Was it comfortable for the Wright Brothers to get off the ground and try flying, and crash time after time again? After their first successful flight, they even crashed on the flight after that! Yet where would we be in aviation without them today?

For great guitar legends like Jimmi Hendrix, what if he had stopped when his fingers were hurting when he was learning to play guitar? What if other greats had done the same thing? In fact I'm learning to play guitar right now, and my fingers have stopped hurting, but the chords still aren't exactly comfortable for me yet.

Doctors, hoping to find cures to diseases, fail time and time again. Often times they may look like fools to others with the ideas they have. They take great risks, but they they keep trying in order to save lives. And each time they try, they learn something. They don't let the discomfort and the discouragement stop them from finding that cure.

I'm only back in my comfort zone, the southeast, temporarily with no intention on staying in it. Yes, it's a "safe place" for a little while, but I can't stay here. I won't stay here.

God has spoken to me about this already, through more than one prophetic word. I know people continue asking me questions, and they probably will continue to. At some point though, you'll have to stop taking it up with me and take it up with God. Why? Because I'll get tired of repeating myself and I'll have other things I've got to get done. I can't continue answering the questions, especially questions of those who doubt. And I can't let that doubt get into my life.

I'm breaking out of the culture of fear that I've grown up in. I'm not talking about fear of God, but fear of man and fear of what will happen to me in my future. I have to break out of it. Fear is the opposite of faith, and when I'm in both cultures, when I'm influenced both by a spirit of fear and a spirit of faith, I become double minded. I cannot make clear decisions with both in operation. And I know that a fear based decision is definitely the wrong one. So I must have faith. I choose to operate in faith, not in fear. And I know some will question me, as I've said.

As far as a plan goes, yes, I am working on a plan. It's not fully developed yet. And some will try to say there was a lack of a plan the last time. The fact was there was a plan the last time. I sat down with Matt at New Beginnings Church (now New Bethel Church) and we made out a plan. Maybe it wasn't the best plan, but it was still a good one and I'm the one who messed that up. I admit that. But I can't allow that mess-up to keep me from walking in the potential that God has for me. Now I would like for them to back me in this. I hope I still have a good enough relationship with them. Even if I don't, I have moved on and I'm building relationships with other people who will back me. And I'm finding web site design work that I could eventually do telecommuting from Redding.

The ones who do great things, when they fail, they'll recognize where they failed and make changes accordingly if they need to, but they'll try again.

There's an old saying "If you don't succeed at first, try, try again". I believe this to be very true. And my friends, I will succeed. I can't guaruntee there will be no more faliures. In a recent home fellowship meeting, one of the people said "Every person I know who succeeded had to fail first."

The ones who do great things are not afraid of failure.

So I feel like I've been ignored for the most part by my church back in Clayton, NC. I'm not mad at them. I'm the one who hurt that relationship. I want to fix it. I've apologized, and I've also agreed to get inner healing, which I've been doing. However, other than the person who's doing the sozo, I'm finding that I'm pretty much ignored.

I'm living in Chesapeake, Virginia now, so I'm not even able to make it to that church anymore. But I still want the relationship with that church.

Maybe I should just let it go. But it's hard to let go when they totally feel like family. I will be back in the area for Christmas and will try to get out to church at least one time.

I want to see this restored. It doesn't sit well in me that it's not restored.

The following is a prophetic word, one of several which confirmed to me back in 2006 that I needed to be at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I did not complete the first year, and I feel the Holy Spirit says things are not complete. Some of you may not have seen this word that was given to me, and others of you may have. Yes, I know sometimes prophetic words don't come to pass for various reasons from time to time. I don't think this is the case for this prophetic word and I believe it will still come to completion. And I believe if God told me to go to this, he intended for me to complete it and be fully equipped. I won't give up on this, my friends.

Ivan Allum: Lord, father, I thank you for Joey, Lord, the heart and

the passion of this young fellow, Lord, the stirring that flows from

him, Lord, the passion that you have birthed in this young man. You

know, Joey I see all around you, I see a wonderful heart, I see a

wonderful passion, I see a young man who has just cried out, saying

"God, I want more, I want more, I want more, I want more, I want

more". You know Joey, I'm gonna help you out here. You know, I see

what this is like, you know you've been in this place, it's just like

spinning the bottle saying "Lord, where do I go, what do I do? Lord,

how do I get to the next place?" You know, Joey, there's a call of

ministry on your life. You've known that. You have felt that inside

you and you say "God, I don't know what to do next." Joey, I've got a

number of things for you. FIrst of all, you need to go to a school of

ministry. You know, I want to suggest Bill Johnson's school. You

know, you have been crying out saying "God, I don't know where to go"

You know, Joey, I need to tell you, you know what, the Lord says "I

want to provide finances, but" the Lord says "son, you've got to

ask." You know, not just the Lord, the Lord says you've gotta start

going around and you've got to say "Hey God, I'm gonna be accountable

to my finances, I've got to talk to somebody that's going to help me

get my finances together, but then I'm also gonna go to my church,

and I'm going to ask them 'Hey, would you be willing to write me a

letter to say Hey, could you help me, could somebody be willing to

sponsor me for a year, would somebody want to sponsor me with 50 bucks

a month." You know, Joey, I just see all around you that there's

desire, there's call on your life, the lord is saying "I want to birth

these things out of you, but there's been fear of rejection around

you, there's been a fear of stepping forward, there's been a fear of

"God, I don't know what to do'" and I see all around you, Joey, that

the Lord says "You know, son, I've got to pull a number of things

together, and you've got to pull some too. Number one, son, you've

got to become a good steward of your finances, you've got to become a

steward that is putting stuff away, you've got be be, you know,

banking it in". Son, I don't tell everybody this word, ok, I don't

tell them how to do, but I'm just sharing with you what God is saying,

God is saying "Son, I know that you want to go, I know that you're

willing, and I know that you have desire." The Lord says " Son, if

you're going to get other people involved" because you know the Lord

wants to bless you, but the Lord says "if you want to get other people

involved, you've got to show them that you're going to be a steward of

what's God's. Amen? Son, I see all around you, I see music all over

you, you know, I saw you playing the guitar, and, you know, I'm a firm

believer that God has anointing and you know, somebody's going to

pick them up. You know, and a lot of times the world picks up God's

anointing in music, you know Jimmy Hendrix was one of those guys, ya

know, he'd play guitar with his teeth, and you know, that wasn't his

anointing, that was an anointing that was put out there for the

worshippers of God and you know, son, I see that anointing over you,

and the Lord said "Will you pick it up?" It doesn't matter how bad

you suck or how good you are. The Lord says "it's a matter of the

heart and what you will put into it" and the Lord says "Son, you know,

I want to raise up that worshipper out of you. I want to raise up

that young man that's going to allow the Lord to sing through his

instrument." You know, I know this young fellow and he plays electric

guitar and when he's playing in his own ability, eh, it' s not so bad,

alright, but when the spirit of the Lord flows on him, man, Hendrix

himself couldn't keep up. It's absolutely amazing! And I've heard

God sing out of his instrument, and the Lord says "son, I want to draw

that out of you, I want to draw passion out of you, I want to draw

that heart of worship that flows from you,, okay? And I don't know if

you play yet or not..."

Joey: I play synthesizer...

Ivan: Ok, well that might be your instrument

Joey: I've been wanting to learn guitar

Ivan: I want you to know this, it doesn't matter if it's guitar or

synthesizer, the Lord says "pick up your instrument, son, and call

down the heavens. Allow what flows in to flow out." Son, I see all

around you, the Lord saying "Press in, start making the steps to go

into the next level." Okay? How old are you, 19? 20?

Joey: I'm 26

Ivan: OK, the Lord says "son, it's time to start moving forward now,

alright? Get the finances in order, start selling off stuff, whatever

it costs. It's going to cost you something. " Alright? I know you've

been there and you've been floundering around like a fish in a boat

that just got pulled out of the water and saying "God, where do I go?

I don't want to go back there, but this isn't good either." The Lord

says "son, I want to start raising you up." Okay? I've given you a pretty

direct word, you know, and I usually hold those off, alright? So,

I just got out of spending a minute or two in Heaven with Jesus. It's been a while since I've done that, and need to do it more. Ah, love those moments. Now I'm not saying I haven't talked to Jesus in a while, but it's been a while since I've actually gone to Heaven. I need to start doing that more. But I was interrupted here on Earth by someone I'm staying with. I'll have to go back later.

OK, in other news, It has been a good week in Virginia so far. At the same time, I have sensed two evil spirits, the religious spirit and the political spirit, mixing together. It's something I knew about before I came here, but now being here it's easy to be overwhelmed.

I will not let it overwhelm me. That doesn't mean I won't have my moments where it is really bothering me. It was bothering me yesterday. But I won't let it stop me.

At least I'm in a position that I wasn't in at the Dream Center where it's easy for me to take time and spend with God and to go to Heaven, and pull things from Heaven down to Earth. I really need to do that in this season. The main reason I need to do this regularly in this season (though I want to do this regularly in other seasons too) is because of this mix of the religious spirit and political spirit. It has formed a culture that is overly serious. I understand there are serious issues, but there is a lack of joy here. Well I want to bring that joy.

The week or two before I left Redding, I fell into depression and just lost the joy I had. I guess it crept back in because all the confusion I was going through. So I was back in North Carolina, still in this depression and confusion. I was operating out of that, not meaning to.

I'm doing better now. Somehow I've been able to get over that depression and started regaining my joy. There is a bit more clarity. But this overly serious culture here is something I want to destroy. It's not doing me any good, nor is it doing the other people here any good. So I just ask you to pray for me as far as that goes.

I'm going to assess where I'm at once a month as far as if I can get back to Redding. I'm going to look at my finances and where I'm at spiritually. I believe I'll be back in Redding by July 2010. I will probably go ahead and apply for first year BSSM when I get paid. For those who don't know, yes I was in BSSM for first year before but unable to complete it due to finances.

OK, so I'm bringing the joy here, working, and working on the long term plan to get back to Redding. Be blessed, everyone!

So I'm in Chesapeake, Virginia now.

I'm staying with some great people, a Filipino couple and a couple of other spirit filled Christians.

I participated in a home fellowship and felt very much at home tonight. It was great. There was an amazing time of worship, intercession, and prophecy (I even got to give a prophetic word for the body there).

I'm quickly finding this to be a great place for me to be held right now until I am released to go back to California, and a great place to receive healing.

I'm starting to make some new friends here. I am thinking about maybe going to Harvest Assembly this Sunday if I can find a ride. We'll see. The home fellowship, as I said, was great. There were only about three people my age their though and I want to see if I can find a few more. Harvest Assembly seems to be somewhat connected with Bethel too, which is the stream I'm really in anyway. So we'll see what happens with that.

So I've been back almost a month.

I was back and in need of help.

The only ones who have been of any help to me since I've been back have been my parents, albeit begrudgingly, and my brother and his wife.

I needed a ride for church. I only had that one Sunday the whole time I've been here. I needed a ride to apply for jobs at places where the application isn't available on line yet. That never happened. I needed to be closer to Raleigh where I could catch the CAT bus to do job searching. Again, nothing worked out there. What I originally had planned for that totally went wrong due to finding out I had to leave Redding earlier than when I originally planned.

Others are not able to or don't want to help. I know some just can't. Others, however, can help.

Over the weekend, I was concerned that I might need to move out of my parents house (I never intended to stay there permanently anyway) because of a situation that was going on. Fortunately, things did not work out as I expected (a good thing this time around, as normally when things don't work out as I expected it's generally been an upset) and it's all ok. However, I called pretty much all the pastors of my church to get help. I was only able to get in touch with one of them. I've yet to hear back about a place to stay, or "sorry, couldn't come up with anything", or anything. Granted, Thanksgiving is coming up and everyone is heading out of town. I only needed to be there for one week anyway. But no help as of yet. So two thoughts are going through my mind. "They just weren't able to work anything out" and "They don't care about me, they're tired of helping me out".

I know a lot of people probably are tired of helping me. I'm sorry I've drained them all (probably mostly while I was living in Redding, California). I definitely didn't mean to.

But fortunately I have a job and I'm moving up to Virginia now. I'll be in a better position. :-)

I'm leaving the Raleigh area behind. I know I've been a drain on what friends I do have there. I went about some things the wrong way. I'm sure many of them forgive me. I'm not sure how many truly forgive me, but I'm sure just about all of them will say they do. But whether they forgive me or not, they're still totally drained.

On top of that, I know I mentioned I find I make better friends in other places compared to Raleigh. That has always been the case for me, even before I moved to California, and before I became a drain on my friends in North Carolina. What can I say? It's an observation I've made. I've got great friends in Redding, Clear Lake, CA, Los Angeles, Portland, Seattle, some towns in Michigan, other towns in Texas, etc etc. (OK, haven't been to Portland, Seattle, Michigan, or Texas yet but the people I've met from those places and others I've been able to be great friends with) I've always had trouble with friendships in the Raleigh area, and the only reason why I think that is is even biblical. A prophet is not welcome in his home.

OK, for a little while before I moved to Redding, California, certain people in this area loved me, especially those at my church or other friends I've made in the spirit-filled Christian community! Maybe it was because I received this prophetic word that pretty much confirmed I was supposed to go to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. They helped me out to get there to Redding! They even helped me well on into it for a while. I don't deny that. But it fell apart last year, and now I'm back where I started. Guess I used up all the help I can get here.

I came back and I've quickly worn out my welcome here.

What can I do? I'm just going to move on to my next opportunity and make the most of it. And that's what I'll do. I'll make it back to Redding eventually. Nothing against you, my friends in Raleigh/Clayton/all other towns in the area. I just know I've worn out my welcome and I'm not wanted here.

It really does hurt to come to this conclusion, honestly. But there's a bright side, a great future God has for me.

I know God has great things in store for me. I'm an eagle that has somehow gotten stuck in this chicken coup he grew up in again. I know I can fly, yet others still try to tell me I can't. I've experienced the flight before. Yes, I crashed, but that's not stopping me from knowing that I am an eagle. Let's look past the negative stuff of the last two years. In the last two years, I've accomplished things that I know 10 years ago I never thought I'd be doing. God says there's more, that I need to fly higher, and don't worry about the crash. The crash is part of the learning and growing experience! And so I fly again!

Those that want to be chickens can choose to be. Is there anyone reading this who wants to be an eagle and fly even when the chickens say you can't do it? That's all they are, chickens! Let's fly! My real friends, the eagles, will support me through all this. And I may make mistakes along the way again! But I'm still learning. The chickens will mock me when I crash and say "I told you so" but there's no need to listen to them. So who among those reading this is a chicken and who is an eagle?

The past two paragraphs were based on a prophetic word that Angelo Candler gave me years ago. Basically he saw me as an eagle, and I was in a chicken coup. I dreamed of flying, yet everyone told me I was a chicken and couldn't fly. See, that word that he gave me was the first point where I began to understand my true identity in Christ. I know I'm not accepted by everyone, especially many in my home area. I don't need to be. I'm flying. Those who want to fly, feel free to join me!

So I'm going to Chesapeake, Virginia. That's where my job is leading me to, and I've got a place being worked out up there.

This time, I'm not leaving necessarily to be part of some big church or ministry or anything. In fact, the only big ministry I'm aware of is CBN/The 700 Club, and that's over in Virginia Beach. I'm not really going up there to join them. While I respect them, they're not really even my stream (though lately they have been more interested in the Bethel stream, so maybe things are changing)

I'm going to check out a couple of different churches at first. One is Harvest Assembly which is in Chesapeake. The other is Greensprings Chapel, which is a long bus ride away and I'd have to get up early for that, but at least I can get there and I at least want to visit. It sounds like God is doing some awesome stuff there. And I'm sure once I'm in the Hampton Roads area I'll find out about other amazing churches too that I could be part of.

So it looks like my inner healing will have to take place in Virginia as well.

So it seems everything was falling apart here not long after I got here. But maybe it's because I was only going to be here very temporarily anyway. I didn't expect this to be permanent here in North Carolina, but apparently it's a way shorter time here than I thought it would be.

I've only been able to get to church one time since I've been back in North Carolina. The past couple of Sundays I tried to get a ride but nothing worked out. Fortunately I researched the Hampton Roads area, and they appear to have a very good transit system in Hampton Roads Transit (HRT). I think they run on Sundays as well. At least Google Maps said I could use the transit to get to Williamsburg on a Sunday, so I would assume so.

Oh, the HRT Max buses have Wifi too! You know when I get my new laptop that I'll be taking advantage of that!

When I was in Redding, finding a job, most of the time, I didn't choose to give up while I was trying to find work.

When i chose to move down to Los Angeles, I made that choice after I had lost my job with Daydream Services. I made the choice after I had lost what I thought would help me to sustain me financially.

Again, I get back to Redding. I was willing to go homeless if I had to. Then I find a little freelance work. At first it seemed to be enough to sustain me.

But not enough of it came in.

Something happened where I wasn't willing to be homeless anymore to stay in Redding. I just wanted to go home.

I tend to give up after I see a certain amount of breakthrough, but then it doesn't last. That's when I give up.

Maybe the problem is once I got a certain amount of breakthrough, I was content with it and didn't keep pressing in for more. And when that breakthrough I had suddenly fell through, I wanted to give up.

I need to be prepared for things to fall through. And the fact is, I haven't been prepared for that. What do I do when I think I have breakthrough, and then it doesn't come to pass like I felt I needed it to? Like I get a job, thinking it would help me make a living and get back to ministry school by the next school year, just to lose it a month later?

I'm not trying to beat myself up over this. I'm just saying this is something I noticed. I give up after I see a certain amount of breakthrough, but find it's not enough.

What's the cause of that for me? Why do I do this? I want to know.

I just got a prophetic word from someone in my e-mail. I think it's right on and I feel like I'm released to share this and see if any others out there want to piggy-back off of this one and give a word.

God is training you Joey to completely to rely on him right now in this season of being unsure...he is going to prove to you how sure his foundation is for you. He is going to show you things that only he can teach you and will not be learned thru a school. You are being built for a mighty prophetic office, the office of the prophet.....you will endure long suffering, as im sure that you've already endured to an extent,...and with long suffering the fruit of love will be birthed out of you for a healing ministry for you one day. God say's do kingdom work....live eat and breath my kingdom work, lay hands on the sick, comfort the lonely and share the security and help to fill their void with the love of Christ, go and visit the elderly and love on them...thank a veteran for their fight in the natural as we fight in the spiritual...hug a insecure person and tell them about God's love..etc..you get it. Now through all of these works....your faith is being built and you are being protected for the next phase of your training. Remember Faith without works is dead.....
Joey, you're moving into the realm of "kingdom anointing". This is so new, that it is not written in books or taught by schools yet.

Power is coming, Power is coming upon you and soon you will see. God is removing your spiritually blinded eyes, your spiritually deaf ears and also being spiritually mute so that he can give you his utterances to speak like the Apostle Paul. He will teach you even more of his truth's through fasting and praying for your direction and walk with him.

I used to have this excitement about what was happening, and where I was heading. I guess it was kind of an emotional high, but it lasted for quite a long time to be an emotional high.

It was late 2005/early 2006 when I finally got over my last bout of depression. And I decided I was going to take on this calling as well to do ministry. I knew I needed to go to school somewhere, and a prophetic word from Ivan Allum even confirmed it and pretty much confirmed where, too.

That excitement, that expectancy about life, continued well on into 2008. In the fall of 2008, I got into ministry school. It was pretty much a miracle that it happened. I didn't even have enough money for the payment plan, but God provided.

However, for some reason, the provision didn't continue. I pressed in and pressed in, but ultimately at the end of 2008, I had to drop out.

Since then, I don't know. The passion and the excitement has dwindled. Yes, there's been times where it's been re-sparked, but it doesn't last quite as long.

I recognize the importance of staying in the Word, worshipping even when you don't feel like it, etc. And I've been doing that. But I've yet to see what I had before re-ignited.

About a week or so before I finally left Redding, Matt, the senior leader of the church I go to here in North Carolina, had said something that triggered me to go into depression. It wasn't his intention, but that's what happened. Right before I left I felt as though I had gotten out of that, but then kind of started falling back into that on the plane.

And I was stuck in that state for two more weeks being back. Now, I'm not so much depressed anymore compared to what I was. However, there still seems to be something lacking. Actually as I'm typing this, I'm realizing there were things I was expecting God to do, and he didn't. Perhaps it was because it was the wrong timing, or maybe I totally misread what he was doing in the spirit. I really don't know. And I know that even though God doesn't do anything wrong, sometimes we still hold things against him and we need to forgive. So right now, I just choose to forgive God. I know he did nothing wrong, however, I was expecting things of him that, for right now for whatever reason, he wasn't going to do.

So I'm trying to live life like I was living before I moved to Redding, and before I even got this prophetic word (though I've yet to get my job back at Target, even though I've applied, but I've got other work I'm doing). I don't think this word was off at all, but I think my timing and judgement about things might have been off. And right now, I'm just in a season where I need to think about things differently.

Now I'm saying the same stuff over again though. Back to the subject.

This passion that I used to have, I want re-ignited. I'm still going after him, even though I don't always feel like it. I know it's not about feelings. However, I kind of think right now something is the norm that shouldn't be. God is not a boring God! He's an exciting God and full of opportunity, and always keeps his promises. So maybe it's something going on with me.

I think part of my problem is that I sold my synthesizer last year to help pay for things. I should never have done that. Music is a very important outlet for creative expression. Partly for worship, yes. But I've never exactly felt the call to be a worship leader. I think worship is a very important part of what I do, yes. But I've always had a heart for those who don't fit into the church, even those who don't fit into much of the spirit-filled church. The style I did was a mix of synthpop and industrial. So it was geared more towards whatever the kind of people who like synthpop are, and then more of the goths and rivetheads, just depending on the mood I was in when I made my music. And then some ravers got into my music too, even though it definitely was not rave music. I loved doing that, and I think it helped keep my relationship with God interesting. Now, it's lacking. So I think I'm getting to an important part of the problem.

So right now I'm working, and I'm going to trust God to provide me either with a new synth, or a MIDI controller and a new laptop with a working screen. I need to get back to the music God had me doing. It was an important key for me. The music wasn't for everyone. But certain people loved it, and I know God loved it. Music is an important part of my calling. I know that for a fact. So, let's see what God does! I am definitely going back to making music. Even for right now if it's just using LMMS (a Fruity-Loops-like program) and getting a cheap mic to record my vocals and doing it as kind of a studio project that's not even all that professional, I don't really care (by the way, I was getting pretty good at making recordings with unprofessional equipment). It will be a start in the right direction for me as far as that goes.

Now that I remember, music was an important part of my healing too, back in the day. Why wouldn't it be now?

OK, I had another strange dream last night.

I had an SUV that on the outside, looked just like my blazer. On the inside, it wasn't.

In this dream, I had just moved back from California to North Carolina. And I had a vehicle actually.

I was driving on the wrong side of the vehicle at first. (I was on the right side, steering wheel on the left side, I've had a number of dreams similar to this before. Don't ask me how I did this in the dream, I don't really know. But I was rather successful at it). Then I decided to stop somewhere and switch sides, because even though I was able to do this, I knew it would be a lot easier to be on the driver's side. Where I parked for the moment, I had to set my parking break. Now this is the first clue that this is not a blazer, because in the blazer, there's one you set by foot. The parking break, in this dream, is one of those you have to set by hand.

Anyway I switched sides, released the parking break, and moved on.

I get to this place where I'm hanging out with friends. Now in this dream, I had visited the place a number of times before. Apparently I flew back and forth between North Carolina and California and hung out at this place when I was in North Carolina. Well in real life, I have no clue about this place or what this place is called. But whatever.

So I'm hanging out, and I have a bicycle that was recently given to me. Now I'm a couple of stories high in this building, so why I have a bicycle with me other than to show off to my friends, I have no clue.

Then one friend asked me to do something just for two seconds, so I let go of the bicycle momentarily. Then I'm done (and this was rather quick), turned around to get my bicycle, and it was missing. Someone had stolen it. I looked around, but it couldn't be found.

So immediately I start running down stairs to let security know, and in the process of going down stairs, I wake up.

OK, as far as the previous dream goes, I'm still getting an interpretation for that and still waiting on other interpretations.

OK, about checking this desire at the cross...

So I've had this prophetic word a few years ago at Bethel. I knew in my heart it was right on. However, while I was at Bethel, I was not able to see this come to pass completely.

I feel like for right now, God wants me to check this at the cross. I've got to move on and put that all in God's hands. I trust that if he brings it back, it'll be better than it was before. Right now it's just a source of confusion for me, and I don't think prophetic words are supposed to be that, and this one was definitely not intended to be that, but because of my current circumstances, it is and it just doesn't fit anymore. So for right now, I've got to forget about it and move on.

I'm sick of feeling down about my circumstances.

And right now I choose to get out of this depressing slump I've been in. Pray for me, friends, because even though I say this, it's been so easy for me to slip back into it lately.

I'm back in North Carolina for a reason. No, things aren't working out like I had hoped so far. So what? Not much does work out like one hopes. But God works all things together for the good for those who believe. That's what I need to believe, regardless of what happens.

If I start saying anything contrary to this, please try to gently remind me. And if for some reason I reject you for reminding me, just pray for me. I've been going through a lot of pain, and trying to process it all. There's a lot of things I don't understand.

For example, almost all my friends and I really believed it was God's will that I would make it through school last year and graduate. And I ended up having to drop out half way through. None of my friends gave me an apology saying they were wrong or anything. And at times it was easy for me to think it wasn't God's will or God changed his mind or something. I guess I felt hurt because I went in there with a plan, realizing there wasn't really any backup plan, but urged by everyone to go for it anyway, and then when it didn't work out, I had no back up plan. it really stings!

I'm still trying to figure out the fine line between faith and stupidity, I guess. Sometimes doing things by faith appears really stupid to some people.

And then there's the problem at times with my lack of follow-through. I need to deal with that. That was part of the problem as well. But I believe it's rooted in something deeper. Fear is definitely a big part of it.

I've got to work this all out. If I'm expressing pain, please be understanding. There's a lot of stuff I'm going through.

So I'll be getting a sozo soon. Don't know when yet, and don't know how I'm going to get there. I had a sozo while I was at Bethel, and I experienced the amount of breakthrough I was ready for at that time. It's time to go a little deeper now. There's also Restoring The Foundations that's available to me. I might give that a shot.

And most of all, I'm sorry for saying things that have been interpreted as a spit in the eye of the face of New Bethel Church and the senior leader. It definitely wasn't my intention at all. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain inside. And I know this prophetic word I was given about Bethel is not 100% completely fulfilled. Maybe the timing is off, as some people have said. Some people would say that I got all I needed at Bethel. Maybe I got all I needed at Bethel for now but I know there's still more that I'm going back to get at some point.

Oh, and as far as that dream goes that I spoke about in a recent post, feel free to interpret it if you want, but maybe I'll ask Doug Addison the next time I see him.

I want to pursue the dreams I've had again, like I've tried before.

At the same time, I don't want to.

I don't want to end up saying that I'm following God, only to end up failing again and again like I did before.

What a wonderful conflict I've got going on inside of me.

So I'm going to go get inner healing. I don't know if we're talking sozo (which I've had before) or Restoring The Foundations, the two that my church deals with here. But I'm getting inner healing.

I also don't know how I'm going to get there without a car right now. I live so far out and farther out than anyone at my church.

I'll figure something out.

I had such a strange dream last night.

I was on an airplane, in one of the seats up front. We were leaving RDU International airport.

First of all, I don't know what was up with the pilot of this plane. We were flying pretty low for a while and almost hit a building. It was a miracle that we didn't.

And thinking about that now kind of reminds me of when I moved to Redding the first time, when I witnessed a plane crash a few days before I left. And it really looked like that plane should have hit us, but by some miracle, it turned quickly and didn't hit us. Anyway, that's not part of the dream but just an afterthought.

Anyway, we get up to the right altitude eventually.

For some reason, I had no clue where this plane would be landing this time around. I don't even know if I knew if my final destination would be in Redding or not. I think all I knew was I was on a plane, heading somewhere. We ended up landing in Chico, which is an hour and a half away from Redding. And weird thing was the plane ride was actually not that long. It was like flying from San Francisco to Las Vegas.

When I get in Chico, I find my Chevy Blazer that I used to have, all fixed up, and apparently unexpired North Carolina plates on it for some reason, which is weird seeing how I sold the truck and it no longer has North Carolina plates. But in the dream, I didn't question it. Somehow I had my truck keys on me too.

At first I was going to find a greyhound bus to Redding, but then I figured "What the heck! I've got my truck here, I'll drive!".

A little before tha I was just looking for something to eat before I went out of town. I had just as much money in my wallet in the dream as I do right now, just a few bucks.

Before I could leave Chico, I woke up from my dream.

So I don't normally post my dreams on here, but I'm posting this one to see if any of my friends who do biblical dream interpretation have any interpretations for this dream.

I think I'm starting to get an interpretation now. Not quite finished interpreting it.

Details I just realized I left out

It's towards the end of the dream. When I was looking for food, I was looking for maybe a fast food place, but all I found were convenience stores where I could find snacks. Also, the amount of money I had in my wallet was $4, just in case anyone was curious about that.

The gas tank on the truck was half full. I was hoping that would be enough to take me all the way to Redding.

Let me explain the title of my post.

OK, so I found telecommuting work doing web and graphic design. Well I'm still working out the contract and payment on that. So that's good. But I have a feeling that I could be kicked out. Well if I end up homeless, there goes the work too, right?

And it seems that my friendships here in Raleigh aren't going that great. I don't know. Maybe I've changed. Maybe my friends are finding me to be a totally different person than they knew two years ago, and they liked the person they knew two years ago.

I can't really get anywhere without a car. Buses don't run out here, except for the JCATS (Johnston County Area Transit System) and you've got to call the business day before to get a ride from them. And Taxis definitely aren't going to be a cost-effective way of getting around. I looked at the rates. Not anything anyone in their right mind would do unless they have a lot of money.

A lot of my friends in Redding were suggesting that I go back home. I did. And for some reason, it seems I'm in a worse situation than what I was in in Redding.

I don't think my friends there intended for this to happen, but this is happening.

So really, I'm not sure what to do.

I would talk to someone at church to see if I could get some kind of help. However, I don't have a ride to church.

I'm not saying I'm going back to Redding right now. I still need to give it a shot here in Raleigh, and hope I don't end up homeless. But I'm tempted to head back there sooner than I planned on it. And my friends told me that they'd rather see me go home than end up homeless there. Well I could be homeless here anyway. And the way things are going, I'm not sure it's better off to be homeless here than it is there.

Somehow, I got myself in this mess. Somehow, I'm going to get out of it. Don't know how yet, but I'm going to get out of it.

I can't stay here too much longer with my parents.

I love my parents. But quite frankly, communication with them has been awkward for a long time, and still is. On top of that, the masonic stuff going on in the family is just plain evil. And I know I have family members who can read this blog that would totally disagree with me. It doesn't matter to me.My mother has wanted me to join for a long time, but I won't. I hope she realizes that it's a losing battle for her.

On top of that, I didn't even plan on staying at my parents house anyway. I just came here because the friends I was going to stay with weren't ready for me yet. I don't know if they are now. If they are, that's great! I'm ready to move in. So I need to talk to Jeremy and Christy about that. I'll talk with some other people at my church too just in case they have decided not to have me there now.

Yesterday, I was with my mother, going to my brother's house so I could use Skype. I can't use it at my parents house because the connection is unstable and limited to 5 gigabytes a month. It's beyond me why my mother pays $60/month for this, but that's what she's chosen to do. Anyway she said she was going by McDonalds on the way, and asked if I wanted anything. So she got a couple of biscuits and a soda for me.

Then the next thing she said when we were going through the drive-thru was "You owe me". And it was in a tone that didn't sound very good. I asked "How much". She said "we'll talk about it later. You also owe me for staying at the house" First of all, you're going to offer something to me, and not tell me I owe you then, and then after you buy it for me, then tell me I owe you? And I was willing to pay for the breakfast then, but she didn't want it then. Something is not right. I had some bad vibes about that and I have a feeling she wasn't talking about money. I know I owe my parents, and I want to help them out financially when I'm able to. I want to be a blessing to them. But this statement she made to me wasn't out of love, but to instill fear in me. Fear is part of the problem I had, part of the reason I kept changing my mind about leaving Redding, staying in Redding, etc. Fear has lead to the double mindedness and I can't allow her to do this to me. She gave me the creeps about this, yes. But I won't put up with this. You know, loving a person goes a lot further than making someone fear you.

Well, there is some good news in all this. I do have some substantial graphic and web site design work I'm doing for one client, which will likely lead to other work. One of the sites will be a continual thing for me. So hopefully I'll have enough to pay rent and take care of some other needs too. One thing is for certain, I'm moving out of this place as soon as a door opens for me to do so. I can't stay trapped here.

And I realize my mother can read this. I'm not worried about it. Whatever she wants to do, she'll do. I honor her, but I won't be controlled by her like that.

Right now, it's not easy to find a job anywhere.

There are things that are making it more difficult for me. I don't have a vehicle anymore. I live over 30 minutes from Raleigh, where I can't catch a bus. So I can't really get anywhere unless my parents or my brother's wife takes me somewhere. My brother can't do that for various reasons.

So I'm pretty much limited to applying for jobs on line. Granted, many applications are now on line, so that's not a big issue. The issue is how do I get there when they finally call me in for an interview? Then if I get the job, how do I get there without a car and with no easy access to the bus.

There is an express bus that runs from Zebulon to Raleigh. Only problem is it only runs in the morning hours until 8 and in the afternoon hours from 4 to 7. What if I need to be at work at 2:00? I have to get up early in the morning to catch the express bus. What if I have to work past 7? I would need to a) find someone in that area to stay with overnight or b) hope my parents or my brother's wife would get me back home. So this would limit the hours I could work, or make things really inconvenient for me as far as my sleep schedule and any other tasks I have goes. Oh, and I still need a ride to and from the express bus stop in Zebulon, seeing how I live in Middlesex, which is close, but not walking distance at all to Zebulon.

And I'm taking a look at jobs in Redding still, just in case something opens up there. It's on my heart to get back there as soon as I can. So if God opens that opportunity, that will be wonderful.

Telecommuting! That's the kind of job I'd love to have. I'm a web site and graphic designer. I've had some freelance gigs telecommuting. I need to find something more stable. People say "Oh, you could work from home doing graphic and web site design". Theoretically, yes, you could. In fact, I have a gig I'm about to start on now. But I've been unable to find anything constant enough for me to make a real living. Telecommuting has not really caught on with most businesses yet. And those telecommuting jobs that are out there aren't exactly easy to get.

Regardless, I must keep believing that God is going to open up a door. I don't know where. I don't know if it's in Raleigh, in Redding, or somewhere else that I haven't thought of at all. But I do need something to open up. I know God knows that. So I'm just asking him to show me what I need to do. I'm thankful for not being homeless, but I know I cannot stay in the position I'm in right now.

I'm back in town.

One thing that I've remembered since being back here is that I've never been all that accepted here in North Carolina.

Those who claim to be my friends (I do have a few real friends out here, but not many) kind of get offended when I say that. If you're a real friend, you shouldn't be offended at what I'm typing. If you're offended, maybe you should re-think whether or not you're a real friend or if you should even claim to be my friend.

I came back here to get a job and make some money. But I have real friends in Redding, CA and other parts of the US. I have a few friends here, but most "friends" tolerate me more than they do celebrate me.

But I also realize that Jesus said a prophet is not welcome in his home.

Now really it's not a matter of being accepted. I'm accepted by God, and that's all I really need to care about. At the same time, Jesus did have friends. In my friendships here in Raleigh, I definitely think something needs to change. My close friends, for the most part, are in Redding. I have friends here who feel they're "close friends" with me, but honestly, I was much better friends with people in Redding. I hate to offend my Raleigh "friends" but it's true.

People in Raleigh don't know how to truly be friends. I don't know. People know how to put on the polite facade that everyone puts on in the south, that's for sure. But beyond that, they don't know how to be real friends.

People are going to be upset with me for saying these things, but it's true. Be upset with me if you'd like, because I don't care. I know I'm not welcome into the culture that dominates the Raleigh area and much of North Carolina. I just need to be here, find a job, make a living, find some work I can do some telecommuting with, and get the heck out of here. I'm not here to fit in to the "in-crowd" here, even in the "in-crowd" of the churches.

Just some things I needed to get off my chest. In the next few blog postings, I'll probably speak on what I believe a real friend is. No promises on that, though.

I am leaving California. I leave from the San Francisco airport at 1:15. I'll be back home in Raleigh, NC at 11:10 PM.

I'm going to find a job, get back to New Bethel Church (formerly New Beginnings Church) if I can find a ride. Otherwise, I'll probably be at Catch The Fire Raleigh or Higher Call. And I'm needing to get some inner healing for things.

Over the past two years here in Redding, I've received a lot of good stuff. But at the same time, there has been a lot of hurt and issues that have come up.

Part of the problem with me is that I have been influenced by two different kinds of cultures and it's still affecting me today. A culture of fear and a culture of faith.

I won't get too much into how that happened, but I'm sure that's the case with a lot of us.

I had the faith to come out to Redding. Maybe the timing was off, or maybe it was right on. I can't really tell you for certain right now. But I can tell you I came out here by faith. Not too long after that, pretty much immediately, fear crept in that I had made the wrong decision.

Since then, it's been a constant struggle. And I would constantly make decisions and then there would not be the follow-through that I needed, because I've had this intense struggle between fear and faith.

Also another problem is I have definitely found that, even though I had good intentions in following this prophetic word, and believed this prophetic word was of God (and still do believe it), rather than having God as my source, the prophetic word, the destiny spoken to me through that, gradually became my source rather than God being my source. When you have anything other than God as your source, you will begin to doubt. I was almost agnostic at one point in either January or February, because I was not seeing God coming through. However, Holy Spirit reminded me of times where he made it absolutely obvious that he exists. The healings that I've been used in, the prophetic words I've given to people and the ones I have received from people. None of this is possible without God. God's word even makes it clear! Even if I had none of these prophetic words and healings and other supernatural experiences (and actually I might have been in a little bit better shape if Ivan never gave that word, but then again maybe not, as all these issues probably wouldn't have been brought up) I should know that God exists through his Word.

A week ago, I pretty much felt like this time was all a waste if I went back home. This weekend, I realize it wasn't, and though I'm having to leave right now, I will be back, more prepared than ever.

This will probably be my last blog posting for a little while. I want to get some inner healing before I post too much more. There have been times where it has been way too negative. I want to be honest in these blogs, but I want God to be glorified in them too.

I'll end this with a quote from C.S. Lewis. "The cure for broken dreams is: Dream again. And deeper."